I AM

For some reason, this past year has been a struggle inside myself. Not sure exactly why, but old “stuff” began to surface and I had to deal with that “stuff”.  One of the great ways to deal with difficult things and even situations is to remember WHO has my future and hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."  Jeremiah 29:11-14

My Papa God knows me so well. He knew me before Time was created. My spirit has been with Him before my human mind even knew who He was. This makes me pause, because I feel wonderstruck. I just want to sit and be in His presence; this allows the struggles to melt away.

He knows the struggles that I have. He also knows what is best for me and allows me to make decisions for myself.  Yes, there are consequences for whatever decisions I make – good or bad. That is His gift to me and He will never take that away from me. I just need to learn from mistakes and march forward.

One morning while praying, I heard in my spirit the Lord say this to me:

I know the struggles you have.

I am your righteousness.
I am with you always.

I am your defender.

I am your provider.

I am your banner.

I am your song.

I Am.

I am the strength for your weakness.
I am the source for your needs.
I am the fire in your heart.

I am the word of Life.

I Am.

I am Alpha and Omega.

I am the Creator.

I am Father of All.

I am Love.

I Am.

I am your Peace and Shalom.

I am your Life and Light.

I am your revelation.

I am your guard.

I Am.

I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.
I am the Resurrection and Life.

I am the Light of the world.
I am the Good Shepherd.
I am the Bread of Life.
I am the Gate.

I am the Vine.

I Am who I Am.

The Black Cloud – Part 2: The Set Up

This took place in 2016 during a Silent Prayer retreat. It was the most impactful experience in my life up to then. This is one year after my first encounter with the Black Cloud. 

Me:  Papa God, what’s on your heart today?

Papa: We haven’t talked like this for a long while. I’ve missed this with you.  I want you to know I am not mad or angry, just a little sad. I so enjoy when you and I sit and talk like this.  You give me joy. Did you know that I long for you?

Me: (I look deep into His eyes. I see only love for me.) Papa – forgive me for not allowing you to be number 1 all the time. (He smiles) Thank you for just loving me; just the way I am in all my foibles.

Papa: I love your foibles! (laughs) They are what make you who you are. You are discovering so much more about “you” in your journey, aren’t you?

Me: Yes, I am! So many things to learn and know that I think I just shut down sometimes. So, when that happens I focus more on my busyness. Sorry. This is where I need to be on my seat of rest. I know that. Even my mind needs it and knows it. You whisper, “seat of rest” sometimes, don’t you? (I shake my head) I hear it but don’t heed it.  Then, I suffer for not going there.

Papa: Yes, and there is no need to suffer. Might I encourage you to every morning – Come up and sit with Me. Listen to what I am saying to you. I sometimes sing to you. (smiles) You seem to enjoy that.

Me:  Oh my yes!  Waking up with a song in my head – humming. I haven’t really done that in a very long while. Having you sing a melody; then me trying to figure out what that melody is – to what song and then the words – is quite a fun puzzle! The journey and then the discovery! Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with how much you love me.

Papa: I want to overwhelm you with my presence. My whole being loves you. Allow me to envelop you. Allow me to be more than a part of you. Come into Me. Stand with me as a daughter. (He pauses just for a brief moment.) It will take courage. Probably more courage than you’ve ever had before. It may seem like darkness at first, but I am there, once you step through that veiled darkness. I am there in the light waiting. Come. Please come.

(I remain quiet for a few moments, taking in all that He has just spoken.)

Me: Papa – this sounds an awful like “The Black Cloud” experience that Ian Clayton had. Is this what you are asking of me?

Papa:  Yes, daughter. It is time. Are you ready?

Me: (silent for a time. I really have to dig deep down into myself for this.)

        Yes, Papa – I am ready. If I die right here and now, I will be with you. My whole being will be with you. I want to know how to live in your Presence – fully.

Papa: So, let’s do this.  Come, daughter.  Come.

I am immediately in darkness. Swirling darkness that is all around me. It is disconcerting to my whole being. I’m not sure I want to go any farther. My mind wants to turn back. Yet, my spirit says, “no, continue forward”.

The swirling around me becomes very dense. I feel like I can’t breathe. Then, I feel heat. Yes, heat; like when you are near a huge bonfire. Get too close and you may catch fire. Yet, I feel that I need to move closer to that fire. It is beckoning to me to come closer. Inch by inch and step by step I keep moving forward. Then, I come to, what appeared like a wall of fire.  I panic.

Me: God how do I get past this!?

Papa: Walk straight through it.

Me: But PAPA!  It’s fire! It will burn me up.

Papa: I am with you.  Come.

The gentleness, yet firmness of His voice is calling to me. My spirit is jumping. My mind is racing. Do I go ahead? What if I get burned up? Well, then I will be with God forever. But, I already am. What will this do to me?

My spirit whispers, “Forward”.

God says, “Come”.

I hesitate for just a moment; just a heart check. I confess all that I can think of and repent. I stand under the Blood and mercy of Jesus.

Then…I step back. “I can’t do this!”, I argue.

But, my spirit firmly says, “Enter. Now.”

Again, I hear God’s familiar voice, “Come”.

I close my eyes. I take a very long deep breath. I take one step forward I really feel the heat from the fire now. He’s calling me into the fire!

Papa: Come. 

Me: Papa, it will burn me!

Papa: Come.

So, I take another step. At this point, I am now resolved to just go. No matter what happens. I take another step forward. Now, I feel the flames licking me. The thing is, I’m at peace. I take another step forward. I am now engulfed by the flames that surround me. I literally stand there in that fire. It is not consuming my body but consuming all the lies, all the misconceptions, all the religious teaching and burning them up. Layers upon layers all being consumed.  It is a refining fire. As I now continue to walk through this refining fire, I feel lighter. I feel freedom.

Then, all at once I am past the fire. I am standing stark naked in this place I am in and I am not ashamed. This place appears to be so brilliantly white. I can’t see well. I'm not sure if I am in a room or what.

I hear, “Welcome daughter!”

At the sound of His voice, I am overcome. I fall to my knees. I cannot bear to lift my head. I sense an angel stands next to me.  I cannot look up. I am on the "floor" prostrate.

I hear Papa's voice, “Daughter, you are always welcome here. I love you so much. Few have come, but I am happy you stayed the course and came.”

My tongue is tied because I am not able to speak. I just sigh. It is contentment, joy, love, awestruck, wonderment – so many emotions flooding through me all at once. Finally, my voice returns to me.

Me: Papa – why can’t I look at you? What can’t I stand?

Papa: Daughter, you have come farther up and farther in. This is the place where I dwell in Holiness. Few have ventured here. I call them, but either they don’t listen or aren’t interested. You, however, have always been a curious one. Your wonder and ponderings about me are good. I told my creation: If you seek Me you will find Me; IF you seek me with all your being. This is why you are here. All your life you have sought me. Now, my dearest daughter, here I Am. So, rise, my daughter – Come to Me.

I lift my head. I see His robe's hem. I feel the angel help me up. He steadies me. Then, in my full nakedness, I go to Papa. He is light. He shines beyond what I have imagined. He is also golden and light. Color surrounds Him, yet I can only perceive white until my eyes become more accustom to my surroundings.

His arms are open wide as he draws me into Himself. He hugs me. He has hugged me before, but this time, it was so much deeper. It was like wrapping the wholeness of the universe around me.  All of who He is I feel. Then we talk. Just like we have always talked. Yet, there is a newness in this. Our relationship had changed. I am closer now to Papa than I have ever been before. The intimacy is overwhelmingly wonderful.

I don’t feel naked any longer, I am clothed, clothed in His Glory. I am translucent, yet light and fire are on me, like a garment. I am breathing in His fragrance and resonating His frequency. To be honest, I have no grid for any of this, but I am here.

Papa’s shalom is always. This is Joy all around. His Love (AGAPE) enveloped everything.

Me: Papa, you are good, loving, merciful, kind. You are goodness and love wrapped into the best package. You are a good, good Papa!

Papa:  So, Sue, you asked me what was on my heart today, and I didn’t answer you… Do you know now?

Me: (Tears are streaming down my face) Yes, Papa – oh yes, I do. I love you, too! I love you!  Thank you for wooing me in. Thank you.

Just a Little Talk with Jesus

In the past year, my view on the Kingdom of God has changed even more. I don’t know how to specifically state it in words. I find that words don’t really work any longer. I spend time with Papa God. I listen to what He is saying through scripture. I go through the veil into heaven and “have a little talk with Jesus”.

Let me explain, before you think I’m completely bonkers.  When I pray, this is an intimate time I have with Papa God. I sense His presence with me as I talk with him. I have gained a deeper relationship with the Three-in-One over the last decade and more so over the past 4 years.  It is a special time for me, because I journal what transpires.

Usually, when I journal I begin with: “Papa what is on your heart today?”  I then wait for an answer. In the beginning, I would sit and wait sometimes 20 minutes.  During that time-period I think my spirit-man was trying to get through to me, but was having difficult time.  I had to train myself, so to speak, to listen and hear/perceive what God was trying to tell me.  What I learned from that is He speaks in so many ways, that is not in English!  He does, however speak in love and gentleness. There is no condemnation whatsoever. Over time, when I ask what is on His heart, the response is almost immediate. That means, immediately I have a perception of what is being told to me. Not audible, but in pictures. I guess it is more of a “knowing”. In fact, I have difficulty sometimes getting our conversations down, because the response to my question come fast and furiously. I have learned to “hear” or maybe understand His voice from my voice. It takes practice, but well worth it.

I went through a time this past Spring where my soul was not doing well.  I couldn’t figure it out. I would try and journal and talk with Papa, and got nowhere. It was like being on a desert island with my soul and it was cranky and upset. In fact, at times, my soul seemed to be vomiting all over. Junk from the past was coming to the surface.  It was hard for me to be patient with myself. I knew that God was taking me deeper into relationship with Him, and my spirit was excited to just go.  My soul, however, was not so thrilled.  Still a lot of old thought patterns and junk was hindering me from going forward. 

So, one day, I had this brilliant idea to ask my soul what was going on.  What was revealed to me was my poor soul wasn’t all onboard with what my spirit was learning.  Soul just hadn’t caught up yet, so because of that turmoil it forced me to sit in quietness with Papa.  I needed to allow my soul to feel safe and loved.  I know it sounds weird, but that’s exactly what I needed to do.  I’m sure there are other words for it, but that is what transpired prior to the following experience.

Now, about my “little talk with Jesus”. I had a general question about when Jesus had been baptized, by his cousin John. At that point, for the first time ever, I was literally thrown into a vision where I was standing by the River Jordan along the bank. There were people scattered around on the banks of the river talking and watching. John was in the middle of the river. I just knew that the person in the middle of the river was John. It was a “knowing”.  I sensed movement on the opposite side of the river. I looked up and saw Jesus come down to the river.  He was headed directly to John. He waded in and moved around the people just to get in line where John was standing.  I was quite mesmerized by the whole thing. I couldn’t hear what their personal conversation was, and at that time, I didn’t care to. I just watched. It was amazing. When Jesus came up out of the water, I did hear a thunder-like voice. I did see a dove fly down from somewhere onto Jesus’ shoulder. There, the dove remained on his shoulder as he walked out of the river up the bank to sit and dry off. Now the dove was still perched on his shoulder. It didn’t move off. I thought that was curious. Jesus then turned and looked directly at me. He smiled and winked.  I thought, “does Jesus actually see me?”   As soon as I thought that, Jesus turns to me and asks me what I thought about the baptism. I was really startled, but I took a deep breath. I let myself go with the flow and just interacted with him in conversation.  There were others mingling around listening.  It was strange, but powerful.  I was in a living scene of history with Jesus! I was having “just a little talk with Jesus” after His baptism. It was surreal yet, vivid with all the color, smells and all the other sensory inputs one has.

That was a unique experience. I may ask about another time and see what happens.  I’m a curious person, so this is up my alley.

The Molting Season

Have you ever seen a chicken or eagle or any bird really, molt?  You might ask, “What is molting?” Well, as the dictionary says:

verb (used without object)

         (of birds, insects, reptiles, etc.) to cast or shed the feathers, skin, or   the like, that will be replaced by a new growth.

verb (used with object)

             to cast or shed (feathers, skin, etc.) in the process of renewal.

Molting is rather messy.  Feathers all over the place. The birds look rather untidy.  I know because I grew up raising chickens, about 70 of them and when they molted, it was messy. However, it was a necessity for them. Their feathers lose their ability to keep water away from their skin and keep them warm.  Kind of like wearing your coat out; the outside of your coat gets all worn and thin, so then it doesn’t do what it should, like keep you warm and dry.

I am in a “molting season”.  “What?  You molt?  Sue, you don’t have any feathers.”  I know. However, it feels like my soul is in a type of molting season, like a detox-molt.  Old stuff that I have never thought of or even situations that I never thought bothered me – well, they are bothering me - really bothering me. Thus, I am irritable and a little less patient as I am working on this.

Layers upon layers of “stuff” is coming up.  My soul is “preening” the stuff off, little by little, and yet more comes up.  Once I figured out what was going on, I felt myself relax.  This really is needed.  I want to become whole and renewed.  Of course, this comes with learning about soul issues and that my man-spirit has what they call seven (7) redemptive gifts that need to be worked on and healed a bit.  It’s alright if you don’t understand.  I’m still in the process of learning and understanding all this. And by jove, I am gradually getting it!

All that and I just want to say: It is well with my soul.  Finally, after 6 decades, my soul is wanting to be whole and renewed.  That’s a good thing.  Frankly, it a messy process, with somewhat horrible added and I am not appreciating the process. But, I know the end-result will be freeing and liberating to me and probably others who are walking alongside me as I go through this.

I think having people walk with you through this type of “stuff” is most wonderful. They themselves have “gone before”, worked on their own detox-molt, and now help others. This is what the Body of Christ is for.  Instead of coming back at folks who may not be their “normal selves” with criticism - because the person going through the messy process may not even recognize it at first – stop and ask an internal question, what’s up? Then, pray for them. It really is a difficult time, yet so needed for everyone.

Papa God wants His kids whole. Jesus wants His Bride renewed and whole.  I want to be all that I know God wants me to be. Even as frustrating and messy as it is, I am submitting myself to this transformation season, because I will be flying like an eagle with a new set of wings very soon.

The Symphony

I pondered on a warm summer’s day, why a cool breeze lofting through the leaves in the trees could make such a wonderous sound.  It was like each leaf was a tone. The breeze was playing music in the trees and it was stunningly beautiful.  I closed my eyes and just listened.  The sounds that were around me filled my whole being.  Birds chirping their conversations. Squirrels chattering with other squirrels. Insects buzzing around, but not disturbing me. 

I allowed myself to just soak in the sounds with no filters.  My feet were bare and feeling the ground under me. As I listened to the sounds around me, I also allowed myself to feel the earth beneath my feet.  I allowed my spirit to just melt with the sounds around me.  My feet, they seemed to become one with the earth.

 

Then I heard a frequency. It was soft at first. It played in amongst the others sounds around me.  It was like listening to a symphony.  I marveled in my spirit how creation sings.  The next thing was the vibrations that I was sensing in the earth.  It was all in tune with each other.

I marveled how our Creator orchestrated his symphony.  Each tone of a bird’s song, each chirp and chatter of a squirrel and even the mooing of cows – all intertwined together to make a symphony.

Now, I am inside and it is winter. The cold brings either rain or snow. I had the opportunity to watch the snow fall. It was silent as it fell. Yet, it must have made a sound.  It made the world around me quiet. For some reason, the covering of the snow seems to bring a sense of longing. A longing for wholeness and purity.  Now the rain comes. It washes all the snow away. It reveals the nicks and rubbish on the ground. The dark skies, with clouds heavy with rain, seem to be foreboding. But, as the rain comes down, I hear the sound on the roof. The swishing of cars going by as they run over puddles. Here again is another type of symphony. Rumbling vehicles driving on wet streets have some sort of rhythmic pattern. The rain pounding on the roof has a rhythmic pattern.  The wind blowing through the evergreen trees is not silent. It plays each branch.

Listen to the symphony.  It’s there for each of us every day.  A symphony so grand that we miss it because we don’t take the time to listen. Sometimes, that symphony is soft, so unless we listen we miss it.

I close my eyes and quiet my soul. I then step onto my seat of rest.  I ask my Creator to help me listen with His ears, so that I can hear His symphony.  It is most beautiful.